Selecting a life partner is a very delicate matter and one should carefully handle it. Should do istakhara too like guided us in shareeah. Sometimes the reason for a weak marriage is the rush and hurrying in the time of proposal. And not investigating properly in it. Islam does teach us not to delay a marriage but it doesn't mean carefully investigating it. Therefore properly done search on the basis of moral character and deen are authentic. One should avoid sudden commitments. And yes! Useless extra non-important procedures should be avoided too. For a marriage proposal following points are important to follow given by Islam and some elderly scholars.
DO NOT SEND PROPOSAL TO ALREADY SENT OTHER PROPOSALS: One should be careful in not emphasizing on proposal to an already committed girl or to be getting committed girl. Prophet Muhammad taught us to: do not send marriage proposal to the brother's proposal until he leaves that proposal. (Bokhari shareef)
But if the girl's family rejects the previous proposal then this new candidate may proceed.
If the previous proposal is not ethically good in character then a person can send his proposal because a person should not let any bad character person to spoil the muslilah's life.
SEEING THE GIRL BEFORE SENDING PROPOSAL: Hazrat Mughera bin shaabah narrated once I planned of sending marriage proposal to a girl. Prophet Muhammad asked me if I had seen her? I replied in denial. Prophet Muhammad asked me to see her as this will lead to love. (Tirmidi shareef).
Seeing the girl before marriage is considered good by many Islamic scholars as this is the matter of whole life. As if the man likes her then this will be good but if he does not, then it will save him for hatred of rest of life. If a man is committed to marry her then he is allowed to see her face and hands. He can also send some elderly women to her home so they may judge her morals and habits.
DEEN SHOULD BE THE PRIORITY: Prophet Muhammad said that a man marries a woman for 4 things: wealth, family status, beauty and deen. But you should marry the deen follower woman. The best quality of a woman is her piety and being religious. Prophet Muhammad emphasized on it; a religious woman could fulfill her duties towards her husband and children and she could run her home with shareeah. If a woman is not religious she may not fulfill her duties towards husband and may not educate her children properly. This hadith does not say that beauty is not important. But it means that beauty is not everything.
DESIRED CHARACTER QUALITIES AND ADVICES OF ELDERS: Scholars have notified other qualities in a woman as well which should be considered too. For example: a woman should be decent in her attitude. Bad attitude woman is usually thankless and bitter and this may spoil life.
Less Meher is a good quality as well. Prophet Muhammad has counted it among some good quality. Another good quality is young & unmarried woman as it possesses much wisdom. As a man will love such woman more and likewise a woman will love man too. As a married woman has already experienced a man and it is possible that he be the most dominant one on her mind and heart too. And this may stop more love for her second husband. A hadith in Ibn-E-Maaja says that: marry unmarried women. As they are polite, soft hearted, less deceiving, and sufficient natured. Another quality is that she belongs to a good religious family. As then the child brought up is of good moral qualities. A saying says that do not ask about the wife from which institution she got education, ask about her family in which she has brought up.
Hazrat Usmani Bin Abbi Al'as saqfi advised his children for: oh my son! Marrying a woman is like planting a seed, that's why a man should carefully see where he is putting the seed. There are rare chances of a low caste and inferior family woman to give birth to a pious child. That's why select a noble woman whatever time it may take.
SELECTING SON-IN-LAW: While searching proposal for girls, they should consider a high moral boy, as this boy will understand his duties towards his wife and will try to keep her in comfort; likewise will care for his family too and will perform his duties properly. If a man has a lot of wealth but has no morals and values, he cannot perform his duties well and might not be faithful to her. Alas! This thinking standard is not followed in many families nowadays. If any selecting standard lasts now are only wealth and material needs. Very few families focus on religious standards. If people inform a girl's family that boy is zaani, they comment that he'll change after marriage. If said that he do not perform namaz, they comment that he's young, will perform later on. But if this man is from middle class family then people do not consider him as a good proposal.
Hazrat Muhammad said “When a person proposes you in such a state that you are satisfied about his beliefs and character, marry him. If you don’t marry him there will be immense mischief on Earth”(Muzaahir-e-Haq, book 3, ص 104). It is chaotic for a gentle and pious woman to be married to an unorthodox, impious, westernized and agnostic man because he will force her to remain unveiled, immodest and sinful resulting in ruining the woman’s character and beliefs. Ways of Sulfa Sualiheen: They used to inquire in pious, religious and noble families for partner of their children once the children reached puberty and were of marriageable age. They would marry off their sons and daughters as soon as possible, their major concern being nobility and piety instead of wealth and formalities. History tells us an account about a pious elder Hazrat Saeed bin Mussuyub . Hazrat Abdullah bin Daud narrates” I used to stay in the companionship of Hazrat Saeed Bin Mussuyub .By chance I was unable to visit him for a few days. He asked people about my whereabouts. When I came to know this I went to meet him. He asked me “Where were you?” I said “My wife died and I was busy in her burial”. He said” Why didn’t you tell me? I would have joined you”. He further said “Have you looked for a girl to marry you?” I stated” May Allah bless you, who would marry me? I barely have 2/3 dirham”. He said “I will give my daughter’s hand in marriage to you”. I asked him “Will you perform nikkah?” He said “yes”. He then performed my nikah after giving the marriage sermon, praising Allah almighty and blessings to Hazrat Muhammad the very moment and fixed the dower 2 or 3 dirham. When I left the place I was so excited I didn’t know what to do. I then left for my home thinking all the way about how to get a loan from someone or borrow some money somehow. Then I offered the Maghrib prayer and reached home. I lit up the lamp, broke my fast as I was fasting and placed my dinner to eat which was bread and olive oil. Suddenly, I noticed someone knocking at my door. I asked “Who is it?” I am Saeed; came the reply. Narrator says I kept thinking but could not recognize any man named Saeed. The thought of Huzrut Saeed Bin Mussuyub didn’t even cross my mind because he did not go anywhere beside mosque since last 40 years. I opened the door in a rush just to see Huzrut Saeed Bin Mussuyub standing there. I thought maybe he had a change of heart. I said” Abu Muhammad (nickname of Huzrut saeed bin mussuyub I would have come myself had I knew you wanted to meet me”. He said ‘No .You were more worthy to be traveled for and met”. I said “What do you want me to do? Please order. He said “you were unmarried before, now you are married. Thus, it dint feel right to me for you to spend the night alone. Here is your wife”. I saw his daughter (my wife) standing right behind him He sent her inside and left. Narrator says” then I saw my wife in privacy. I noted she had exceptional beauty, had memorized the Holy Quran much more than many people, memorized numerous sayings of the Holy Prophet And had knowledge about husband’s rights more than any woman. The caliph, Abdul Malik bin Murwaan had already sent a proposal of his son Waleed Bin Abdul Malik for this daughter of Hazrat Saeed bin Mussuyub . Waleed was crown prince at that time, but Hazrat Saeed had rejected the proposal.
The narrative bestows upon us the lesson to prefer devoutness and piety over affluence when looking for a marriage partner.
